We need to talk about this

Dear Internet,

DISCLAIMER: I’m about to go on a long rant about feminism. If this makes you uncomfortable or you just don’t want to deal with it, skip to the life updates at the bottom (handily positioned after some asterisks ***). No one will know.

Do you ever have those days or weeks when it seems like one topic comes up over and over again? Like you’re continually thinking about the same issues within different “compartments” or parts of your life? For me lately, it’s been feminism, misogyny, and the general oppression of women. And I’d like to talk about it.

I’ve been a feminist since I knew what that was, and never really understood women who weren’t feminists (“so... you don’t want to be treated equally to men?”) What brought this on in particular, though, was a series of recent experiences, as well as a few things I’ve been reading.

A week or two ago, some bored Canadian guy harassed me on the help desk I run at work. It was nothing that surprising (“hey baby, I’m having trouble with my software, can you turn it into a hard drive?” - which would be a better pick-up line if it were technologically possible) - but the fact that it’s not surprising is the part I want to talk about (keep reading).

Because what was surprising was how uncomfortable it made me. The software we use for the help desk provides a lot of information about the people we’re chatting with, including where they are. So I knew this guy was in Calgary and that there was nothing that he could physically do to me. I guess I’m lucky that this was the situation and that I could be surprised, not having been harassed really before. But it still left me feeling - I’m not sure what to call it... attacked? Assaulted? Vulnerable?

It was odd and it reminded me of an article I’d read recently: “A Letter To The Guy Who Harassed Me Outside The Bar,” by Emily Heist Moss for Role/Reboot. In the article, which I recommend, the author talks about how harassers don’t think they’re harassing you. They think they’re being funny, and that if you get defensive, you just have no sense of humor. They don’t realize that they may be the fourth or fifth or sixth guy to treat you that way in a day/week/month/whatever. They may know that they mean no harm, but how are you to know it?

Another sentiment the author expressed that resonated with me was the feeling, in the back of her mind, that someday she would be physically sexually assaulted. The statistics are so high (1 in 5 women in the US are raped at some point in their life) that you almost start to expect it. She said she sometimes thinks in terms of “her rape,” as in “okay, dark alley, 9pm, the seventh of September... so this is how it happens.”

Another good article on this subject is “So you’re tired of hearing about ‘rape culture’?” by Lauren Nelson for Rant Against the Random.

After the chat exchange described above, I walked down the street during my lunch break and there were some drunk guys hanging out by a bar, yelling requests across the street for random girls to marry them. It was stupid, and pretty non-threatening, and kind of pathetic. But by that point I was so not in the mood for it.

Luckily, my destination during that lunchtime stroll was to buy a ticket to the Vagina Monologues, in which my roommate Nora was preforming. If you’ve never heard of it or seen it, the Monologues address a lot of the issues I’m talking about: domestic violence, violence against women, and women’s right to their own bodies (and, as the name might imply, sexuality). So I was really ready to see it, and it did not disappoint. Nora and the rest of the cast did a great job: some of the skits are really funny, and some are really sad, but all leave a big impression. If you ever have a chance to see the Monologues preformed (usually on Valentine’s Day, though this one wasn’t), I’d highly recommend it. Guys... there will be a few of you scattered throughout the audience. Try not to look too uncomfortable.

They also showed this short video at the performance, which maybe it was just the emotional high I was on, but I thought it was a really impactful promo for the organization “One Billion Rising.” If you still have a problem with the word “vagina,” maybe check out this article too: “Biology Teacher Faces Investigation for Use Of Word ‘Vagina’ in Anatomy Lesson,” by Callie Beusman for Jezebel.

Later, while thinking about all of this, I remembered a few instances when I was in college traveling in India and Sri Lanka when other women in my group were attacked or targeted. Both were in much more dangerous situations than mine - one was alone in her hotel room when a room service waiter with other things on his mind delivered, and another was physically grabbed on the beach while with a male friend by a random stranger. Neither was hurt, but it scared me to see how rattled they both were by their separate experiences. Both were strong, independent and opinionated women who sort of fell apart, at least for a short while following their experiences.

I guess I’m sharing all this because statistics are just numbers until it happens to you. I knew in my head that violence against women and all that were problems, but they were distant ones - and more importantly, the scariness of them was distant. When you’re confronted with that kind of situation, I think you realize suddenly that you have no control over what’s about to happen to your body. There’s no logic or reason or way to combat it when you’re in that situation. The only thing for it is prevention, and part of prevention is awareness and talking about the problem ahead of time. So that’s what I’m doing. This is something that we all need to be talking about until it finally goes away.

Just to drive the point home: yesterday in the park some random guy started shouting at Nora about her breasts. I feel safe for the most part in Helena but it’s like they put something in the water lately.

There are two other topics that I was going to get to but I guess I’ll just leave it to your reading pleasure. The first is women’s ownership of their own bodies, which you might not think is an issue really until you start reading and realize all the places that this crops up. Here are some great articles: “Can We Please Leave Willow Smith’s Hair Alone?” by Heather Taylor for HelloGiggles (I had the same issue when I cut my hair off!), and “Gay Men’s Sexism and Women’s Bodies,” by Yolo Akili for the Good Men Project.

The second is women’s ability to openly like what they like, without fear of repercussion. I can’t really think of how to phrase that better, but basically I mean women being able to like sparkly things while still being feminists (read “What Does Feminism Mean to You? This is What it Means to Zooey Deschanel,” by Michelle Konstantinovsky for HelloGiggles), or liking “boy” things and still being normal girls and women (read “Why I Bought Boys’ Underwear For My Daughter,” by Tom Burns for the Huffington Post). For some reason society has this proscribed image of “normal” girls liking Barbie dolls and (dare I say it?) “Butch” or “feminist” girls liking the Ninja Turtles. Which is just absurd.

I think that’s about it on the “rant” portion of the post. I don’t mean to offend or scare anyone or make you think that I’m in immediate danger. I’m not. I shared my experiences in order to make a point about society as a whole and general trends that have affected me that I think are important and worth sharing.

***

On to happier things, Will got a job! It’s a temporary gig until mid-May as a dockhand (not deckhand; turns out there’s a world of difference and my friend thought he was a pirate) at Gates of the Mountains (GOTM). GOTM is a really pretty area about 20 minutes north of Helena that Lewis and Clark passed through (and named) in 1805. There was also a really terrible fire at Mann Gulch near there in 1949 (so it goes). They run boat tours in the summer, so Will is helping to get set up for that. I’m eager to go on the tour when I get a chance, so if anyone wants to come visit me here that’s one thing on the agenda!

He also has a pretty good feeling about some fire jobs in Kalispell, Montana and Plumas County, California. He should hopefully hear back from both of those within the next week or so and be able to make a choice.

If you’re friends with me on Facebook, you probably already know this next update: we got a dog! His name is Tate (I mentioned him in my last post), and he’s a black lab/hound from the Humane Society, about three years old.

Looking majestic (even with his own slobber on his face)
in the setting sun through a kitchen window

He is super cute and affectionate and pretty easy. He’s actually been getting harder to handle as he gets more comfortable with us! But nothing too bad - he gets into food at any chance he gets, but he’s not aggressive about it and never bites and hardly barks. He also never digs, fights with other dogs, is scared of weird things, or has most of the other problems that shelter dogs can come with. So overall, he’s pretty easy. Will and I are working on some basic commands and leash walking skills with him (he’s especially bad when there are distractions, like CATS), but that’s about it. If you come and visit you will love my “Tater Tot!”

Atta boy, Tate.

Other than that, I’m still plugging away at work and liking it pretty well. One of the big things recently is that the Guide to Copyright and Creative Commons that I wrote was released to our website, and has gotten a decent response so far. I’m working on an Advocacy Guide next, and a Web Accessibility Guide is coming down the pipeline after that. So keep an eye out or I’ll let you know!

Tate and his friend Zoey. Can you guess who's who?

Anyway, it's late. I can tell because Tate is making all kinds of weird dog-noises in the midst of his dog-dreams. That means he's in REM, and I should be too. Toodles!
xoxo Liz